Disclaimer: the material presented below is for entertainment and English language practice purposes only and does not in any way represent the views of Camp America or its collective sense of humour.
On a Florida public bus
Announcements on a public transportation vehicle in Orlando:"When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step."
"If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
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Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/
Statue of Liability
Click here!_______________
Source: You Tube
Talking on a plane
The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual event that took place during a flight.As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
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Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/
An accident
Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves." "Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey. "Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."__________________________________
Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/
Alligators in Florida
A tourist was being led through the swamps
of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you
if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on
how fast you carry it."
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Source: http://www.travel-images.com/travel-jokes.html
Business trip
One of the airlines recently introduced
a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business
trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department
of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used
the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in from angry
wives asking: "What trip?"
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Source: http://www.travel-images.com/travel-jokes.html
Clinton on vacation
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."
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Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/
Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers
- No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
- If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
- If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
- Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
- If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
- If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
- Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
- The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
- The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
- The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
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Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/
What car names mean in America
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FORD
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
